Listen. I’m all for movement. Stretching. Strength. That post-workout glow that makes you feel like a slightly damp goddess.
But burpees?
In this economy?
With these knees?
During a hormonal uprising?
Get all the way out of here.
You want me to hurl myself to the ground and then bounce back up like a caffeinated gazelle—while my boobs, bladder, and dignity all try to defect?
Ma’am. No. Absolutely not.
Here’s what I will do:
Slow squats with purpose and rage
Hip circles that make me feel like I still got it (because I do)
Pelvic floor work that says, “I refuse to pee every time I sneeze”
Dance parties in the kitchen that burn calories and exes from my memory
What I will not do:
Assault myself with a movement invented by someone who clearly hates joy
Try to prove I’m still “hardcore” when I’d rather be sensual, strong, and sane
Pretend jumping and flailing is part of my erotic awakening
You know what’s sexy in midlife? Mobility. Energy. Confidence.
Not collapsing into a heap because you tried to prove something to a fitness instructor named Chad.
So no, I won’t be doing burpees today. Or tomorrow. Or ever again, probably.
Instead, I’ll be listening to my body, lighting a candle, and doing strength training that doesn’t end in an existential crisis.
Want to feel strong, energized, and turned the hell on—without punishing your body in the process?
Subscribe to The Passion Zone newsletter, where we keep things hot, humorous, and hormone-friendly.
No shame. No burpees. Just real talk about pleasure, strength, and reclaiming your power.
👉 Subscribe to The Passion Zone – because you deserve movement that worships your body, not breaks it.