I Tried to Talk Dirty
and Said ‘Groceries’ by Mistake
It was supposed to be hot.
I had a plan.
A sexy text. A little mid-afternoon tease.
I was going for sultry, maybe a little naughty. I typed fast, adrenaline pumping.
And then I hit send.
Except autocorrect—or my own distracted brain—turned “I want your hands on me” into:
“I want your hands on the groceries.”
Yes.
Groceries.
Like lettuce.
Like canned beans.
Like "two-for-one pork chops at Aldi."
Needless to say, the moment passed.
And by the time I noticed, he had already texted back:
“Should I get paper towels too?”
Midlife sexting is a minefield.
There’s autocorrect.
There’s kids in the next room.
There’s perimenopausal brain fog where you forget what you were even trying to say halfway through the sentence.
And there’s the very real fear of sounding ridiculous. Or worse—cringe.
But here’s the thing: we have to stop holding ourselves to erotic perfection.
Sexy talk doesn’t have to sound like a romance novel.
It can be messy. Playful. A little weird.
You can say “panties” one minute and “fold the laundry first” the next.
You’re allowed to flirt awkwardly.
You’re allowed to laugh during sex.
You’re allowed to mess it up—and still feel hot.
Because here’s the secret: intimacy grows in the real moments.
In the fumbles, the bloopers, the unexpected texts about bananas that were supposed to be about bondage.
Your partner isn’t waiting for you to become a phone sex operator.
They’re waiting for you. The real, vulnerable, still-has-it woman who’s brave enough to try.
Even when she accidentally sexts about produce.
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